Thursday, October 27, 2016

Women are not and were not made to be slaves!

It is not a woman's place to keep a man!

Unfortunately, this is not the most popular sentiment in a generation obsessed with submission(read en-slaving) women. Women have been conditioned into believing that their lives are lived for men. Men also have been conditioned into believing the same. So we have a whole generation of young underachievers whose greatest achievement is to 'serve a man' and 'be served by a women' in the name of submission.

We have a whole generation of women who have planned for nothing except the 'opportunity' to 'belong' to a man. Women who will give up their hopes and dreams and settle for helping a man achieve his because they have been conditioned to do so. And of course men who have gotten with the program. A lot of men feel entitled to female submission. They believe it is their place to dominate these beings who probably have no dreams of their own and even if they do, they are not all that important!

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against submission(serving one another humbly in love) but I have a major issue with the concept of submission being used as permission for men to walk all over women. I have an issue with what people have chosen to define submission as! Yes, I do have a major problem with men who have not married a woman, requiring submission of her. I will not speak for married people because I'm not and have never been married, so I have no authority in that realm.

That being said, it's about time we start to question the things we believe and why we believe them as such. All things are relative and subject to interpretation! What is the foundation of what you believe and who is responsible for the interpretation that you have now come to accept as unchallengeable truth? Why are you afraid to challenge that supposed truth and why do you take offense when someone else does?

Women are not and were not made to be slaves! All were made equal, the only variation is our modes of contribution to societal welfare. So, women rise up and outgrow your slavery mentality because future generations are depending on you! Men, learn to honour women because one day you will have a daughter and imagine the legacy the men of her generation will be living! We have the ability to impact the future. Let's start now!

Monday, October 17, 2016

'Expectation Adjustments'

Have you ever been so psyched up about a particular prospect that you put all your energies in attempting to pursue it? Well, I suppose we've all been there one way or the other- pumped to the brim with adrenaline from the possibility of something working out for us in a way we hope it will.

I suppose that's a good place to be; to have some sort of purpose or end you're working towards and are focused on. I know I really appreciate focus- I'm a strong believer in purpose and it's accomplishment.

So may I ask, what happens when despite your psych, you realise that you never had what it took to actually make the cut for this thing you were pursuing? What then? Do you curl up in a ball? Do you curse the world? Do you shake it off and move on to the next prospect? What do you do?

Of course all the above are possible options and so much more: some I have not thought of. Generally speaking though, it would be a question of dealing with disappointment! How does one deal when the world has been pulled out from under them? How do you not let it bother you or better still how do you deal with the fact that it bothers you? Because let's face it- it's only natural that disappointment should bother you unless the thing you thought you wanted really wasn't that important to you in the first place!

Anyway, so how does one deal with disappointment?

I think, the first thing would be to understand that it is totally normal/ human to be disappointed. It is okay for you to feel whatever emotions are a result of you being disappointed and as such, it's of even greater importance to learn how to deal with those emotions. Find your own way healthy of dealing.

Also, don't take it too personal. Many times disappointment is not because you're such an undeserving person- you just didn't make the cut and that's all there is to it. So don't go into regret mode or depression.

Instead, take another look at your expectations. This is usually the root of disappointment. What do you need to change and how can you change it? What do you need to scrape off your list and what needs to be added to it?

Appreciate what you have learnt from the rejection and aim smarter and bigger depending on your 'expectation- adjustments'.

Above all, don't resent who or what you had decided to pursue simply because you weren't welcomed with open arms. If anything, you can now go upgrade and give it another try- you just never know how it may work out for you!

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Mentorship is a hoax!

I have had a number of experiences with potential mentors and have almost reached the conclusion that it's all a very big hoax! There is no such thing as legitimate mentorship. Everyone seems to be out for what they can get from who; the mentor from the mentee and vice varsa.

I have met people who in the name of mentoring will make you build their empire for them and then turn around and step on your head like you did not matter in the first place. It's a very puzzling place for anyone to find themselves because when you look up to someone, you more often than not put them on a pedestal. They are untouchable because of the kind of respect you accord them. Many times you'll even defend them in front of people who believe otherwise.

So for that person who you respect beyond anything to disrespect you and bring your world crushing down is a harsh thing. It changes you in ways you did not know were possible. It toys with your belief in the goodness of people. Many times, it has the power to tun you into a cynic!

But there's also the case of the mentee who uses the mentor to climb their social ladder and then dump them like a sack of stale potatoes! I don't know which is more painful! Or less irritating but I do know that even in reverse roles, it's an ugly thing to take advantage of people. It seems to be the order of the day though- for people to believe that in life you must take what you want regardless of who stands in your way!

It's not a pleasant thing; and it destroys so many people that they put their hope in so many human beings only for it to get thrown into their faces! As a mentor to many young people, I have found myself stuck in a place of feeling like I have out-given myself and I have nothing left to give. Yes, that is a very frustrating place to be.

So how does one deal with this whole mentor/mentee complex?

I was talking to a very wise gentleman this morning and he helped me see things in another light:
First as a mentor, understand that your job is to build whoever you're trying to mentor. Your primary goal is to mentor not to build a friendship. A lot of mentor/mentee frustration is a result of the blurred line between mentorship and friendship.

Be deliberate in evaluating what is working and what's not working. Know and edit each other's expectations from get go. Communicate very clearly what expectations are realistic and which are not.

As a mentor, at all times be transparent with whoever you mentor. Don't bite the hard things- put them out there for the sake of this mentorship thing working. At all times, remember your role as a mentor is to build- honestly, openly and deliberately!

Are you a mentor or are you infact looking for more friends? Selah!

We are powerless over our emotions!

I have heard people say we are powerless over our emotions.

This does not resound with me. I admit there are so many things I feel very strongly about- i.e my convictions. However, despite how strong the emotions attached to whatever conviction, I have learnt to draw a line on what works and what doesn't.

I don't have some sort of solution to make you not feel the things you feel. I'm just saying that, emotions, however powerful should not dictate your response to life. Why? Because they change. Yes, very often, they change and what spurred certain emotions in you the first time will not necessarily do so the next time!

I have made some major decisions in a bout of anger or excitement and have had to swallow my words so painfully after the moment has passed. When I was younger, I was too proud to remedy relationships that were affected by my emotional meltdowns because I was convinced I didn't need those people anyway! But also, I was too ashamed to take back what I had said.

However, I have learnt that relationships are very important and people do mean something. So as much as possible, I would rather choke on my feelings than say something I cannot take back!

So I really do not agree with the school of thought that we are powerless over our emotions. We may feel powerless in the rush of emotions in a moment but we really just need to take a step away from the situation and regroup with our senses. You see the rush of emotions is capable of blinding you to what is important. In the midst of a meltdown, all you recognise is what you're feeling in that moment. Your mind goes blank- as if you're high on some substance. I suppose it would be better that when you feel emotions building up on you, and threatening an outpouring beyond you, walk away. Despite how much you think you have to prove yourself, walk away! It's the only way out!

That way, you'll save yourself the outburst and then when it passes, you can come back to it and talk with a level head about what needed to be talked about. Walking away is not to avoid dealing with he issue at hand but rather to help you breathe and be more objective!

You will be a lot more reasonable when you think about your response to emotions because you see, you really are not powerless over them. You are more than able to control your emotions!

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Is culture that big a deal?

It's amazing that being curious about culture raises some major concerns in our day and age! People begin to wonder what's not happening with you when you curl up into the ball of cultural discovery. I mean outward concern; so much that the general perception is that you're considering your future mate and decided to read up on what to expect.

I recently started reading a book on Acholi culture- seeing as I'm Acholi and you'll be shocked how much dust it seems to be raising. I mean even from my tribe mates... A lot of what should be cultural pride has dwindled with our generation into cultural shame. We are so ashamed of our roots that we'd rather pretend not to know where we're from than be identified as a particular societal segment!

I know so many young people who purportedly cannot speak their 'language' and fall back on that shady 'American accent' to try and be cool. I must ask though, what cool is and who decided that those particular things should be categorised as 'cool'.

The more I grow, the more I understand how rich and important culture is in the life of the individual. How one way or the other our behavioural patterns are tied to culture. But what or why is it easier to be identified by other cultures that do not directly affect us than be identified by that which we are a result of? Because one way or the other you will always notice cultural undertones in the things people do, say and even in their view of life.

So, love it or hate it, we cannot escape who we are and we really shouldn't be fighting to do so. On the contrary, we'd rather embrace who we are and work towards changing that which we don't like about ourselves. Improving our response to culture; not running away from it, not shunning it but improving our response to it! That's what we need to do.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

I don't care... But do I?

Do we all secretly care what people think and probably say about us? I wonder...

You must be wondering why the random question? Sometimes I have these conversations with people that really stimulate my mind and when my mind starts, it just goes! I mean literally. I start to think and try to get actual answers to these questions- that's if they really are any.

I am still of the school of thought that all things- except God are relative and therefore are subject to change. So even our thought patterns may not necessarily be the same tomorrow as they are today. But that's a little of track. Back to the above question.

Do we sometimes convince ourselves that we don't care what people think and then secretly go wonder what they think about the fact that we don't care what they think? It probably does happen, yeah? We may want to convince ourselves that we don't care but we probably do- even just a little bit.

Of course the extent to which we pay attention to what people think about us varies because some opinions we hold in higher esteem than others. People with a certain kind of moral authority over me, tend to affect me a lot more than people who don't. Which begs the question, do our relationships determine if we care what people think about us?

It may be yes or no, depending on the individual. I'm not psychologist, neither do I claim to know all there is to the human mind but at the end of the day the question is really to you as a person, do you care what people think and say about you? If yes, why? If no, why? And how does it affect you?

Do you constantly find yourself being indecisive about things because you're afraid of what you may be perceived as in the event that you take a particular decision? Why is it so important to you what people perceive you as?