Friday, November 28, 2014


“You do not have to tell your husband everything… some things are between you, God and your grave” she spoke softly filling this soon to be wife with stupidity.

You may be appalled by the fact that I called it stupidity but believe it or not, that is pure nonsense. What is the point in getting married if you’re going to conceal things about yourself from your spouse? Your life does not belong to you anymore.

A wise woman once said to me, “if you’re getting married for you to be comfortable then it’s not your time yet.”

At that time I of course thought to myself “who says things like that” because it completely did not sound do-able let alone realistic.

One of the more popular quotes in our day is; a man is only as good as his word and that is so true. But does this apply to the male species only? Or does it apply to mankind? We all have those friends who keep telling us what they intend to do and they never get round to it so much that the next time they come up with an idea and share it with us, all we can seem to think is “here we go again!” and very rightly so because like everything else they’ve talked about, it never materializes. How much more a woman who intends to get married and intentionally conceals the truth about herself from her husband?

And by truth I mean your past, present and future. I have heard people say “he does not need to know your past. He may not be able to accommodate you. You’ll scare him” and whatever other nonsensical things they can muster to tell you. That’s a lie!!! That is truly a lie. If that man is meant to be with you, he will be with you. There is nothing whatsoever that you can tell him that will make him fail to accommodate you: nothing at all. A man who loves you will love you past your past. And that ultimately is the love that will sustain a good marriage and stand the test of time. What do I know about being marriage, nothing because I have not been married before but I have been found by a love that has had every opportunity to be destroyed but is still standing.

Why: honesty, truth and the freedom to tell the truth. The very first thing my boo got to know about me was our little girl. Even before there was the prospect of us ever being anything. That was his opportunity to run but he stayed and got to know the truth about me. Am I perfect, no way but honesty presented the opportunity for trust to grow and trust made it easy for love to blossom and ultimately love is the reason we’re here today.

Take it from me ladies, honesty is the only way to go. Not half or part honesty but the truth. Not diluted, not edited. Any man who cannot accept you for who you truly are is not worth your time or your effort. And for you sisters who encourage the rest to conceal the truth, grow up! That’s very immature! The truth and only the truth will set you free.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


‘I do not pay you to think’ he blared.  ‘When I tell you to do something, you do it.’

I stood, frozen entirely from my head down to my toes. I couldn’t help thinking to myself; who does this man take me for? Despite my goodwill and teachable spirit while working for him, he dares to insult me so much? When did I become his puppet and not the independent mind that I am? All these questions and more kept running through my head.

Earlier that morning, a client had come by the office and he needed some work to be done on his car or so I thought. So as the administrator I was required to draft a quotation which I did until the client started to tell me to inflate the costs. Being the person I was, I refused to do this and he went directly to my boss to lodge in his complaint.

In all my naivety, I expected my boss to correct him and tell him we would do no such thing. My boss called me into his office and gave me a piece of paper that had inflated costs for each of the components that were to be added to the client’s car. I took the piece of paper, looked at it said ‘I cannot transfer these prices onto the quotation because they are inflated and my conscience will not allow it.’

And that right there is when my boss saw it fit to let me know that he does not pay me to think. For a moment I really could not think. I did not know how to process the fact that someone I respected had just poured cold water on my attempt to do the right thing. In that moment I knew I had one of two options; either to swallow my conscience and go do exactly what he commanded me to or put my foot down and listen to my conscience.

I went back to my desk and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I opened my desk drawer, took a seat and took my various belongings that it contained and put them into a black kaveera. I composed myself for about thirty minutes; I then stood up and knocked at his office door. When he invited me in, I turned the door handle and entered into his office. He offered me a seat but I declined it.

‘I cannot work for you anymore’ I told him. ‘So, here are the keys to the doors and the front desk.’
I then walked out of his office, picked my polythene bag and walked away not looking back even once.

I did not have a clue what I was doing but I did it. I did not have a fall back job plan but still I walked away. Many times I have been asked by the people around me what happened, however they never get my explanation. Many of them told me I am not serious and I should have been realistic. But between you and I; what would have been realistic? Would you rather be the person who draws a clear line between right and wrong or who does not mind as long as your pay check arrives at the end of the month? I leave it to you to think about.

Friday, November 21, 2014


I want a guy who will love me and support my dreams, treat me like royalty and make me happy. I want… You can continue the list of things you want my dear sisters because I’m sure they are quite a number. Me, me, me, me, me. It’s all about me; my needs, my wants, my desires, my expectations and my dreams.

Honestly, when I talk to women who desire to get married and listen to what they have to say, it’s quite disturbing and before you go agreeing with me my dear gentlemen, this applies to you as well. Many if not all of us all sound the same. We want to get married for us and what we can get out of the marriage. We might not even be opportunistic individuals or anything of the kind but we are extremely selfish by default.

When my amazing fiancé and I decided we wanted to spend the rest of our life together, we were super excited. We had all these amazing things to talk about: Our hopes, dreams, expectations and desires just to touch the tip of the iceberg. We wanted to know as much as we could about anything and everything in regard to each other. It was so beautiful an experience to be in love that we both sought each other out and desired to be to each other what we expected of the other.

However like all humanity, we realized we were not really perfectly suited to be each others knight in shining armour and before we knew it we shifted to our default human setting of selfishness. I complained about what he was not doing that I wanted him to do and tried to impose my will on him and vice versa. And we found ourselves debating on whether this was really what we wanted. We found ourselves at a very awkward place because we were too selfish to accommodate each other.

Don’t get it twisted. All our dreams were still equally exciting and the prospect of being with each other was bitter sweet thanks to our selfish selves!
Marriage is a place of death. Unless you can put someone else first then it’s not necessary to get married. You get married for your spouse not for yourself. I know right? How weird is that? Definitely the world we live in has programmed us to be super selfish but to decide to get married is to say, I have needs but yours are more important to me than mine. Oh yeah. That’s what it means.

Is it an overnight journey? No. It takes guts to take a step that big. It takes real heart and character to pursue a marriage of death to self. Now, I’m not saying intending makes it so much easier. As a matter of fact, only when you decide to does it become really hard. But do you have what it takes to stay where you are? And seek out someone else without obligating them to seek you out as well?

I cannot honestly say I am selfless but I will say, daily my prayer is that God will teach me to die to self and seek to be the woman He has intended me for my soon to be husband. I desire to be a woman of character, a woman of purpose, a woman in pursuit of God’s heart and a mirror of His glory.
I will not get married because I have to. That’s not necessary! I will get married because among other things I am learning to seek my boo out and bring out the best in him to the glory of God.