Why Is Your Gun Cocked?

'Why are you asking me that?'

'What concern of yours is it?'

'Why do you want to know my business?'

No, those are not random questions. I sat next to her as we 'spoke' though by now you realize I was doing more listening than speaking. She kept blasting these questions out about the information I was trying to extract from her. I sat still, maintained eye contact and just waited for her to come to the end of her gunfire.

'Should I speak?' I asked. 'Are you going to give me the opportunity to answer these questions or do I just continue to sit here and take your fire?'

'What fire? Me, I'm just asking you why you want to know.'

'Okay let me speak.' I said. Now turning to face her cutting her short with my eyes.

'Why do you feel the need to defend yourself? We have barely gotten into the conversation and your gun is cocked. You just went on a firing spree. Why do you feel the need to do that?'

She just continued her bullet shooting spree with me constantly having to cut her off. The other day, Karen left a comment on the blog asking why we feel the need to defend ourselves. And while having this conversation, I started to put two and two together. To her, every statement I made seemed like it was directed at her. As though I was intentionally offending her.

'How am I defending myself?' She asked unable to see what I meant.

This is just an example of a conversation I have had with very many people; both male and female. And the conversation will take any form but the bottom line will be the need to defend oneself.

Here's my logic. Very many of us go through life feeling the need to defend almost everything we say because we are too used to taking offense. We have too many relationships that rubbish our appearance, our perception, our opinions, all the while belittling us. When I use the word rubbish, I mean it literally (as a verb). That is, to criticize severely and reject as worthless. We have people in our lives that have continually rubbished and continue to rubbish us.

As a result, we subconsciously jump into defense mode at every little comment or observation people make about us. Even when it has nothing to do with us, we think this is totally aimed at me and this person is joking because I will put them in their place. Sagala kamanyiro (loosely translated as 'they don't know me like that').

The reason we defend is that we're constantly taking offense and therefore our natural/subconscious response to life, is to defend ourselves. We have built and continue to build walls of defense around us.

Do you feel the constant need to 'defend yourself' even when you don't need to? What is it about your environment; past and future that has pushed you to this place? Check your environment! Without realizing it, there is an abuser(s) somewhere in your past or your present environment. This presence of abuse could have pushed you to a place of needing to defend yourself even when it's not necessary.

Ask yourself the tough questions. Where is/ was the abuse and how do you remedy your response to it. It is not normal to go through life feeling the need to constantly defend yourself. That should not be the nature of human relationships. Check your environment.

Blessings.